I have nothing to write about, which is why I feel it's important that I write something. I go back and read past entries and I fight the urge to edit and tweak. I don't like a lot of my entries because they serve as a reflection of self characteristics that I'm not proud of. I want to leave my posts up as is because I have to be brave enough to be judged and criticized. I'm coming around to the realization that I'll have to face my demons soon, both mentally and potentially socially, and it's time to make a change. This is not the moment the change will begin as I've already taken steps to begin the process of rebuilding. I'm working hard to clear out the junk and allow myself to embody the person I would want to be friends with.
There are certain truths I accept with a certain amount of irony and ownership, which for me is important in order to keep from taking myself too seriously. I'm more abrasive than I realize or intend to be. I'm okay with that. I don't think it's always the ideal way to interact, but it's me and as long as I know it and keep it in check it's a part of me worth preserving. I like this personality quirk because it is so very much me, and I like that part of me.
I've been taking voice lessons for a couple of months now and it's the best decision I've made. I've found an amazing teacher who I swear lives inside my head. She knows exactly what to say and how to say it to help me let go and get the most out of my singing. The time and energy I'm putting toward improving my singing has opened the gate for me to put everything back in perspective and make sense out of my life. I want to live life openly and honestly. I don't want to be scared of anything.
I invested in new headshots. I've renewed subscriptions to Backstage and other audition sites. I'm looking at take writing and standup comedy classes. I'm ready to dance again. I want to go back to school. I found a therapist to meet with once a week. I want to give myself a chance. I don't have a plan, but it feels good to want something. It feels good to have come home.
